"So tell me... What scares you?" His voice echoed off the walls in her head as she tried to think of a witty response. Teeth tore at the tender flesh insider her lip as the words came in flashes and were dismissed. Nothing fit. No way to put it that would sound cute, so that only left the truth.
"Being alone, utterly alone." She felt her lips pull on the right, a half smile she wore normally as a way to hide the fear. He chuckled softly, as though it was a joke. She wasn't sure if his laughter was a good or bad sign, shifting uncomfortably in the seat across from him. They had been talking for hours now, long since their meal had been finished and the bill paid.
It was the truth, a painful truth about something weird she feared deeply. So much so it a way it was like a nagging rock that had been tied with a bit of rope to a rib inside her - left swaying in the wind to knock about as nature saw fit. Sometimes it was still inside her, other times a tornado of self loathing fear drove it about her rib cage violently with threatening thoughts that no one cared and her life was a joke.
"I'd never do that to you. " His smile was warm and his eyes focused on her as he spoke." Who would leave such a beautiful creature alone?" It was a question that made the rock inside sway some and she had to avoid his eyes. Though he asked, she knew he didn't want an answer. Not from her at least.
That was some years ago....
The tears seemed never ending as she stared at his naked form. Wave after violent wave shook her core as she felt her self breaking down. The walls of her reality broken inside her. The world she had convinced her self was real had been a carefully crafted lie self designed.
"I'm alone..." She gasped as lightening struck her inside, her breath stolen. He moved to hold her and she recoiled. " NO DON'T!" The yell startling him so that he paused, looking at her as though it was the first time he really saw her. His look told her she was finally seeing the truth, and she sobbed harder. Hands clutched a pillow to her chest as she cried.
As she tried to keep her vision clear, she also saw confusion on his face. She wasn't alone in what was going on, but yet she was ever more than before. He had no clue what to do with her refusal, sinking slowly to the end of the bed. Fingers left the pillow, pulling at the steel about her neck as a revolt of emotions rolled through her again with another wave of tears.
A scream of rage rolled through her as she pulled violently at it, trying to break the clasp that held it in place. Pain crisscrossed his face as reality further sank in about how she felt, and its source - him. He tried to reach for her again, wanting to comfort her and she responded with a swift blow to the extended arm. "NO!"
The pain swelled in her chest as she looked at him through tear glossed eyes, so much hurt and suffering. He was supposed to keep her from it, not be the cause of it! She felt her rage double inside her as she looked at him, thoughts colliding inside in a violent swirl of new life. She'd broken down her self, lived in denial just to be at his side. An her suffering was her own - he had never noticed. Her chest hurt as she tried to stare through the tears. " I'm so alone..."
The sob echoed for her as she found that pillow again to cling to it. A life line in the epic level natural disaster happening to her mentally and emotionally with in this moment. The harsh truth of what had become of them as the years had worn on. The complacency that had settled in as she gave up more and more emotionally to just remain with him. Sacrifices she had resented him for, blamed him for and that he never noticed.
All she had wanted was to be his, in that she had given up everything only to become nothing. Not even her own.
No comments:
Post a Comment